It is important for those who wish to understand the gay world to know the different types of body gay guys refer to. You most have likely heard of at least one of these stereotypes. Knowing one's body and the classification you fit into is imperative should you wish to experience and appreciate the gay culture.
You may wonder why the gay community identify men within these stereotypes. It is mainly to do with sexual references. If you are to live by the rules of the gay world, being identified by the shape of your body is a way of describing where you fit in (sexually) within the community.
Thanks to uncyclopedia.wikia.com for providing information regarding this topic. You can enlarge the pictures if you wish by clicking on them:
BUFF (aka BEEF)
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Daniel Craig |
The buff bod is the muscular, weightlifter's body that has been shaped and refined through hours of blood, sweat, and tears in gyms (never "gymnasiums" to gay men). It is represented by actors Vin Diesel and Daniel Craig.
Contrary to popular belief, men don't have breasts. The muscular masses protruding from the chests of men like Vin Diesel's physique are pecs, which is short for pectoral (as in "pectoral muscles") that no one, straight, gay, or in between, ever says.
The buff bod is never a result of the honest innocent participation in ordinary sports or athletics, such as basketball, football, or hockey. It is a manufactured body, created by thousands of hours of backbreaking bench presses, flyes, butterfly curls, dips, and other iron-pushing maneuvres, executed in a four-on, one-off punishing schedule of gym-going. Although the physical routine is exhausting, each workout is rewarded with a chance to check out the object of one's lubricious affections in the showers, in order to ascertain whether he has the necessary qualifications to be shagged.
NATURALLY THIN BODY
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Ashton Kutcher |
Some men are born thin and die thin. Between their births and their deaths, they remain thin. These are the guys you normally complain about because they eat so much but it doesn't seem right with their body size. They are blessed with high metabolisms that burn carbs, calories, fat, cholesterol and other bad stuff at the same rate as a fire rips through the tumbleweeds and cacti that Californians call forests.
In the "literature" (ie. gay personals that people like you read in an attempt to find another "quick fling") this body type, which is decidedly gay is known as the "naturally thin body" and is represented fairly well by the physique (or lack thereof) of actors Jude Law and Ashton Kutcher.
BEAR
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Bear and his cub |
The most animalistic of the gay body types is that of the bear. As the name suggests, the guy who has this type of body is hairy. He is apt to have a mustache, a beard, a hairy chest, unusually abundant pubic hair, hairy arms, legs and if he is a true bear as opposed to a mere CUB (a level down from a bear), a hairy back and quite possibly a hairy backside too. He is so big and hairy that he looks as if he is about to hibernate or climb a tree. However, not to be confused with an OTTER, which is a cross-breed between a bear and a twink, who is as hairy as a bear but is considerably smaller in frame and weight.
Don't be deceived however... despite the look, he is likely to be as energetic (and as strong) as a bear in the wild. Fortunately, despite his large size he is also likely to be as cuddly as a teddy bear. Although, as he is definitely Mr. Macho, he won't be wearing a teddy for his boyfriend, so save yourself a black eye or a red ass, and don't ask him to do so. His brawn suggests that he is the dominant partner in a relationship but he protects well the young man whom he adopts as his cub.
TWINK
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Zac Efron |
Twink or twinkie is a gay slang term describing a young or young-looking gay man (in his late teens or early twenties) with a slender build, little or no body hair, and no facial hair. In some societies, the term chick or chicken is preferred. This body type is represented and popularized by actors like Leonardo di Caprio and Zac Efron.
The twink as urbandictionary.com describes it is an attractive, boyish-looking, young gay man. The stereotypical twink is 18-22, slender with little or no body hair, often blonde, dresses in club wear even at 10:00 AM, and is not particularly intelligent. A twink is the gay answer to the blonde bimbo cheerleader.
There are two major theories about the origin of this word, both of which probably have elements of truth to them. a) Twink comes from an acronym T.W.I.N.K. "Teenage, White, Into No Kink." b) Twink is a shortening of the name for the famous "TWINKIE" snack cake: a tasty, cream-filled snack with no nutritional value. The phallic shape of the "TWINKIE" snack cake should not escape the reader's attention.
ATHLETIC
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Yummy!!! |
Nancy boys who enjoy sports, whether limp-wrested tennis or wham-bam-thank-you-man football, tend to be “into” the athletic body type. One should remember however that just as there are many kinds of sports, there are many types of athletes. So the “athletic” body type should not necessarily conjure up an image of soft-spoken, heavy-weight champion, ear-biter, iron-man Mike Tyson... or for that matter, even former football player O. J. Simpson. No!
Sports figures can be nice guys. They can look like the boy next door with more muscle tone than muscle and a suppleness that even Pamela Anderson would (along with their penises) envy. In fact, for most North American Gays, the athletic body type is more on the order of what is also sometimes known as the “swimmer’s build” as exhibited by surfers, lifeguards, lounge lizards, and, of course, swimmers. Greg Louganis represents the athletic or swimmer’s build body type that is near and dear to homosexuals around the globe.
PLEASINGLY PLUMP
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Raymond Burr |
The pleasingly plump gay body type is the male equivalent to the Rubenesque woman. If he was a woman (God forbid), the pleasingly plump gay would look pregnant. Instead, since he is not a woman he will look like a Weebil that not only wobbled but fell down... and then couldn’t get back up again.
The pleasingly plump gay is so pleasingly plump that his double chins have double chins and where he should have pecs he has what are known as "Bitch Tits." When he laughs, his whole body laughs with his big belly jiggling like a vat of Jell-o gelatin dessert. Under all those layers and folds of fat, there tends to be a jovial and jolly old elf of a faggot whose genitals tend to look way smaller than they really are because of the mountains of surrounding fatty tissue. Even his hands and feet (hell! even his fingers and toes) are fat.
The vast majority of homosexuals fitting this description; with conservative estimates standing at around 99%, were wiped out in 2007 by a cull to celebrate the amalgamation of the nightclubs G.A.Y and Heaven. The pleasingly plump gay body type is represented by actor William Conrad or Raymond Burr in his latter (ie. fatter) days.
CLOSET GAY
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Wentworth Miller |
The closet gay is potentially the most dangerous, since it is the hardest to identify. Often lives in denial of their gayness and may have a history of being a sailor.
This potentially the most dangerous form of gay body type is likely to appear homophobic but be warned! They may choose to strike at your anal regions without warning!! Usually after being activated with copious amounts of alcohol or pot!!!
They are usually found living in semi rural regions and live in denial of their perverse sexuality. If you encounter a closet gay it is recommended you exit the room keeping your arse firmly against the wall. Perhaps not a body type but well worth writing about with a picture of Wentworth Miller.
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TIME FOR THE EXCITING PART - #4: GAY SEX 101 (click on the green arrow): 
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